It's been 26 months now since diagnosis and you're think that I'd be used to the anxiety that comes before another visit to the doctor and another PSA test, but no, this is not the case. My urologist appointment is a week away and the stomach is starting to crank for no apparent reason and I'm starting to fantasize about PSA numbers - all of them high and all of these leading to the "treatment" that I've been trying to avoid for better than two years now. Ugly.
This isn't all that bad if this is the worst of it (at least until the numbers do get so high that I have to decide which self-mutilating procedure I'll have to accept). Still, I totally understand why men who are diagnosed with stage one prostate cancer immediately opt for surgery or radiation without thinking too much about the wisdom of holding back and giving themselves a few more months of a high quality of life. You can talk all you want about how slowly the cancer grows, but the anxiety associated with knowing that something is growing within you that can kill you can be crushing and, at least at the moment, the end place of the prostate cancer process is eventually the same: surgery or radiation. Why wait and go through all that?
As usual, I have taken a contrary view. I've convinced myself that I can deal with the anxiety and, for the most part, I can. In fact, I can probably deal with anxiety too well. I've taken to wearing one of those yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets to remind myself that I have cancer and that I'd better pay attention to my diet and supplements to try to ameliorate the cancer's growth and effects. Except for occasionally wanting a burger or remembering that I should be doing my chi gong or having to trudge out to the burbs once a week for sometimes painful acupuncture, I can pretty much ignore it.
Except, it seems, for the final week of the three month cycle when the demons get released just before the cancer gets checked and I become moody and nasty and generally not a whole lot of fun to be around (sorry, d.). At this point, whether I want to or not,I become part of CancerWorld again and I'm never happy to be back.
Last time that saw Dr. Loughlin, I asked him how long we'd have to go through this. His answer was, "for the rest of your life." And "treatment" isn't going to change that. I'm a permanent resident of CancerWorld. The three month appointment reminds me that I'm a member of the club that no one wants to be a part of.
Sorry to hear you have cancer.
My friend is dealing with that. Despite the doctors warning, he keeps drinking and smoking. Maybe its cause of the anxiety you mentioned. Maybe I need to be a little more understanding of the psychological trip he's on. Its tough. Any suggestions???
Posted by: KD | September 08, 2009 at 02:02 PM