The Executive Summary:
Well, I'm still here.
A More General Discussion:
This is the 13th report in a series that started after my return from Norway to the United States in 1994 and every report has had pretty much the same theme: "Hey guys, I still seem to be alive." I like to emphasize this point every year because I like to remind myself that there have been points where this was somewhat in doubt. The fact that this is still the case and this is, as should be, somewhat amazing to me.
In light of the events of the past year, this is even more the case than usual. Of course I'm referring to the biggest event of the year for yours truly ....
The Cancer:
When I was growing up, cancer meant death. That was it. You got cancer = you died. End of story.
Happily this is no longer the case. Now you get to wait a period of time before you die while modern medical science throws all sorts of toxic things at your body trying to slow the cancer down or stop it before it takes over your body. Sometimes these toxic things eliminate the cancer before they eliminate you and this is called a "cure." This designation is given after a mandatory five year period where you see if the cancer comes back and you get to do the toxic thing over again. This is called being "in remission."
So, at this point in medical history, the winners in the cancer lottery are usually those who contract "slow" cancers rather than "fast" cancers. The slower the cancer is, the more time various parts of the medical apparatus have to figure out what might work in your particular case (everyone is different) and therefore a greater chance of them obtaining the Holy Grail of Oncology - The Cure - and you getting to actually live your life. Note the word "chance" in the previous sentence. Cancer is very much about chance.
The major bad news of the year was a phone call that I got one morning in June telling me that I had cancer of the prostate. The major good news of the year is that Prostate Cancer is a classic "slow cancer." When I asked a Radiation Oncologist in July, given the profile of my case, how long I could go before I had to undergo treatment, his reply was "years."
This was very good news since the "side effects" of treatment of even this slow cancer are nothing to ignore. Depending on the treatment selected, the possibility of "urinary incontinence" or "impotence" are "pretty likely" to "very likely."
So, given the fact that my cancer was at an early stage, after looking at the available evidence, I decided to put off treatment for as long as it was prudent to do so and work as hard as I could in areas of my life such as diet, supplements, and Chi Kung exercises to try to get it to relent. The operating theory was that, given the nature and likelihood of "side effects" at this point in my cancer career, the treatments really would be worse than the disease.
So far, so good. A PSA test (the main test for the presence of Prostate Cancer in the body) in November showed that I probably had less cancer in my body than I did in July. My urologist was amazed - it seems that this can happen, but not usually by the amount that my numbers dropped. Me? I want to know what the number is January when I'm tested again before I begin to celebrate - two data points is an indication, only three or more is a trend.
The one thing that hasn't changed since I grew up is that cancer changes your life -- I mean it changes your life for good. It's not just a change in diet, or what you take for medicine, or a change in how you see doctors and hospitals, though your relationship to all these change as well. The main thing that changes after the call is the relationship to your own mortality -- it stops being theoretical exercise and starts being something that you experience at the gut level. And the fact is that once you get cancer, you're always going to looking over your shoulder for it to come back whether you are allegedly "cured" or not. Cancer is an invitation to get to know the Angel of Death. Many people don't take up that invitation, but that doesn't mean that the Angel is going to go away and all "cancer patients" know this fact in a way that most other civilians don't, even if they won't admit it.
The Other Stuff of the Year
So, did anything else big happen this year? Well, not really.
Before the big news blew my life into a new sort of jigsaw puzzle, the winter into the spring was actually kind of quiet and boring. Everything was static. I hate these periods of my life. They usually signal the calm before all hell breaks loose and this case was no exception. So, calm and then explosion. Why should the explosion get top billing? Don't know. Better PR?
Work
During all this health strum and drang, I continued my exciting career as the Chief Informational Cook and Bottle Washer (Part-Time) in the Department of Pharmacology of the Boston University School of Medicine. Basically, I fix broken computers. I can do less about the people who use them, but I do what I can.
The work is fine (I'm all for supporting Big Science -- I'm even more pro-Big Science lately) but the circumstances of my employment are a bit ironic. Because I only work three days a week, Boston University doesn't offer me health insurance or any other benefits. So, I work among hundreds of doctors in a medical school and they don't offer me health insurance. And the you ask my opinion of the alleged American Health Care System? Don't bother. This is not supposed to be a multi-volume piece of literature.
Anyway, since health benefits are now more valuable to me than salary (when was the last time that you heard something like that?) if they don't come across with them by the spring, I'm going to have to find another gig. At the moment, my health benefits are the result of the fact that I am still a graduate student in the Harvard Extension School which, according to state law, must offer me health insurance. This will not last forever however (in fact, it will probably last just until next November when my studenthood is up) so I have to get on the ball and find an employer that can offer me a plan that won't end up bankrupting me or convince BUSM to practice what they preach. At the moment, the former seems more likely than the latter.
Social Life
Hey, I got one!
Nothing was happening on the social level during the doldrums of the spring and once Typhoon Cancer happened in the summer I hung up the idea of finding anyone to hang with since I couldn't figure out what the exact etiquette was for telling a date that I had cancer. Do you do it on the third or fourth date? Should you go out to dinner and calmly slip it into the conversation ("Oh, could you pass me the pepper and, by the way, I have cancer.") or do you solemnly sit them down on the couch, hold her hand and make a case: "I've got something to tell you. I have prostate cancer and there's a 65% chance that I'll be impotent somewhere down the line. But not right now. Isn't that good news?."
Not having found a way to resolve such questions and not having much time on my hands ("I'd love to go to a movie, but tonight I'm working on my cancer."), I folded my tent at Match.com and stole off into the singles night. Fortunately, friends have taken up the slack lately now that the panic has died down. This resolved the "telling about the cancer" issue since they already knew (at least I think that they were reading those blog posts over the summer) and they probably don't think that I'm totally crazy (a somewhat common reaction of women to how I explain who and what I am on first dates). Or if they do, then it doesn't seem to matter to them.
At least it's not just me and Smudge on the couch on Saturday night anymore.
Arts
Nothing escapes life reorganization in the face of a LTD (life threatening disease) and my involvement in various creative endeavors is not an exception. In martial-arts-ville, I seem to have stopped going to Aikido. My main teacher is on an extended break from instruction due to a cranky back and I don't see a reason to go and pay to learn stuff that I'm not interested in knowing. Economic decision or end of the line? Don't know. If and when Paul comes back to teach, I'll have a better idea.
The energy that used to go into bouncing off the mat has now been redirected into Tai Chi, Chi Kung, and Push Hands - all allied divisions of the Chinese internal martial arts. My Tai Chi teacher has given me certain energy exercises to do to help with the prostate so I've been focussing on moving the energy (chi) through the body in ways that chase those cancer beasties out of the system. A lot of work, but, hopefully, worth it.
I came back to drawing in the fall thinking that I would have backslid in draftsmanship since the spring, but it doesn't seem to the case. I actually don't suck. I've been working on portraits and you can actually tell that they are intended to be people. Picasso would not be worried (if he were alive) but I'm having fun.
Politics
You've got to hand it to George W. Bush. No other President in the modern era has started a whole new industry at the end of his second term. I am referring, of course, to the thousands of calendars that have been produced for 2008 that give you a countdown to the end of his administration. The fact that he's a lame duck and only 25% of the American populace believes anything that he says (the non-thinking quarter) isn't preventing him from sending Condi to solve the Middle East Crisis (Gosh, is there something wrong over there?) or rattling the saber in front of Iran. What this means is that George is still getting his foreign policy orders from the Neo-Cons who have had such fabulous success in establishing democracy in Iraq and eliminating that Al-Qaida organization over the past few years. Can't argue with success can we?
Given Bush's stance toward Iran, it does seem that someone must have forgotten to tell our President that he already broke the military and, even if we wanted to start something with those Persians we couldn't do anything larger than a bar fight. But that's the great thing about ideologues, facts are not their highest priority.
A little under 400 days and counting.
Of course, with George quacking at every press conference, the media then turns to the collection of retreads that want to be our next (I'm nothing like George) President. As a group, I'd say they are less than inspiring. Most of the Republicans seem to be living in the 19th century (which, I guess makes them progressive in contrast with the social conservative wing of their party that are living in the 18th) and the Democrats who aren't really sure where they are (my guess - the Kennedy Administration, without the taste, style, or budget).
And nobody wants to bring up the fact that the next President, no matter who it is, will spend most of their administration cleaning up after the Teapot Dome Brotherhood that currently runs the country. Be clear folks, we're electing a janitor for our next President. No matter who they are, he or she will spend their time and talent sticking the economy, the military, and federal budget back together after all the looting and pillaging of the previous eight years. Of all these guys, who looks best pushing a broom to you?
The one thing that worries me is that no one has announced who would be their Vice Presidential running mate. Maybe I'm just getting paranoid, but could we be looking at Dick Cheney - Vice President for Life (his or ours)?
The Future
For me personally, I'm living from PSA test to PSA test. This will continue for quite some time. I'm okay with it. I'd better be since I don't have a choice.
For all of us, this year we seem to have discovered that the planet is warming (What do you mean that those nice people at Exxon/Mobil lied to us?) and we better get on the stick right now if we don't want to be riding the Planetary Disaster Express. Climate change is one of those issues that makes all the other issues so much worse (think the whole Eastern and Western seaboards looking like New Orleans) so it is mandatory that we stop dicking around about the existence of some theoretical jobs and come to grips with the fact that no one goes to work if work is under water.
Of course, if we're stupid enough to blow ourselves off the planet, the old ball of dirt will probably try to evolve some intelligent life yet again (or, for a change) and maybe the next "Crown of Creation" will understand that Mother Nature always bats last. Who and whatever they are, I hope that they will appreciate the planet that they have been given more than we ever have.
On the other hand, we're not out yet. As of tonight, the Solstice, the light begins to return, and with it maybe a resolution that we shouldn't be the cause of our own extinction. I'd like to think so. Let us take the occasion of the return of the external light to light the internal spaces that we need to pull together to save the planet and ourselves.
As always, I take this Solstice as an opportunity to thank all of you who have helped and supported me in getting this far. I have had my life saved by you more times than I can count. My gratitude to all of you for this knows no bounds. This has not and will not change.
With hands together, I bow low and wish you all good tidings for the next cycle and the New Year.
With profound hope as the light returns,
MTS
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Marshall T. Spriggs
University Professor
School of Hard Knocks
[email protected]
http://www.mtspriggs.com