Notes from the Cafe Fiasco

Today's Tee Shirt

A Large Elephant Logo of the Republican Party with the words:
Of Course It Hurts, You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant.

MLTD - 7/29 PC

It occurs to me that this the first time that I've been "PC" in years.

MLTD - 7/24 - Prescription

So, it's strategy time with Kevin Loughlin, the main doc. We've done the tests and taken the pictures and consulted the experts. Now it's time to figure out where we go from here.

Given all the relative good news of the last week, he was kind enough not to throw me out of his exam room or think me totally insane for wanting to wait a period of time before agreeing to anything drastic (which is pretty much any form of Western Medical Treatment -- given the odds on long-term effects of said Treatments). We agreed to watch things closely over the next few months, which we can do mainly through blood tests and physical exams so that I can see if the combo of diet, supplements, and Chi Kung that I'm doing gets me anywhere. He didn't even wince much when I said, "Chi Kung." He's strong on diet, and I professed my new-found love of vegetables. We talked supplements and anti-oxidents. We talked about me hitting the gym more. We talked about going through it one step at a time.

The high point of the conversation was toward the end when I asked him (in a hypothetical manner) if sex was contraindicated for my condition. He said that he didn't think that it mattered much to the progress of the disease, but he would be willing to give me a prescription if he thought it would help (he knows both that I'm a bachelor and that there's a significant chance that I'll come out of this whole thing healed but impotent ).

So there we were, two late middle age guys in his exam room loudly laughing about sex and cancer. In case you hadn't noticed, life can be extremely tragic and strange some times. I learned a long time ago that I'd better have a sense of humor if I was going to get through it. I'm glad that the guy who's taking care of me has one too.

Anyway, for the next few months I get to carry death around way down deep inside me while I try to lure it away. To be aware, but not to feed. To touch, but not oppose. To convince it that it shouldn't harvest me because I'm not done with this incarnation yet. To try to strike up a conversation with a cellular representative of whatever will inevitably come to claim me. And to try to be okay with whatever medicine, eastern or western, can or can not do with the situation that results.

This ought to keep me busy for a while. At least for the next few months. Or for the rest of this particular incarnation.

Next tests come in October. Next meditational exercises come right after I make this post. Back to work.

MLTD - 7/19 Gay Disease?

It suddenly occurs to me that prostate cancer may actually be a gay disease. I mean, all I've met over the past month are well-dressed, intelligent, light-hearted men who want to stick something up my butt (for my own good, of course).

MLTD - 7/19 - Inertia

Part of my misspent youth was misspent in the company of a friend that owned a sports car.  We used to drive this car way over the speed limit along the roads of Southeastern Massachusetts and that's where I learned about inertia. Most of the roads of roads around home were of the twisty turny variety only found in the older parts of the country. In order to drive them at high speed, you had to have an appreciation of being able to feel the suspension of the car literally with your entire body so that you knew exactly how to accelerate and brake so that you wouldn't overload the suspension of the car and flip it over. I am told that pilots of very fast airplanes develop this sort of whole body relation to their vehicle. This is where the phrase "flying by the seat of your pants" came from.

Well, for some reason, this morning I feel like I just snapped out of a very tight turn at high velocity. I'm headed in another direction than I was before and, as usual, I don't know where I'm going, but the crush of the g-forces are gone and now I can start to relax into the new pattern of the new direction.

The medical news of the past two days has been good. Dr. Zeitman at the Mass General pitched the implantation of radioactive seeds in a very low key way yesterday while saying that, all things being equal, at this point in time the mode of treatment for my condition is more of an emotional decision than a medical one. He confirmed that what I had gained from my reading of the medical literature was, in fact, correct and he confirmed that the size of my prostate (small) would make radiation therapy easier since the cancer would probably be more easily targeted in a small gland. He even used the magic word "cure" even though he immediately danced away from it by saying that, of course, nothing was guaranteed. He also confirmed that I've probably got a good long time before I have to do treatment, though he emphasized that, given my age, I'm probably going to have to do it at some point. I got the impression from him that he wanted to work with me because the case is so clearcut that the possibility of a positive outcome is about as good as it gets.

All of this is good news. Not as good as "you don't have cancer" but good news all the same. Now I can concentrate on making the life changes that I have to make in order to have a chance to beat the disease so that I don't have to do anything invasive and I have some time to do this. And I can relax for a little while I head on down the new road and put together a new gig. Everything as to be re-thought. It's the late middle age crisis/opportunity shown up at last.

The next stop in the wonderful world of western meds is a meeting with Kevin Loughlin on Tuesday so that we can talk strategy and I can look at my insides on the MRI. All part of the ride.

MLTD - 7/17 - Happy Guy

I seem to have made Kevin Loughlan's day.

The results of my MRI are in and it's clear that the cancer has not spread out of the core to the surface of the prostate gland. This is a big deal in terms of successful treatment and means that the cancer is contained and hasn't started floating around my body.  Because of brusing that may have happened as a result of the biopsy, the MRI is not clear if I have tumors in both sides of the gland, but I have a 7mm x 7mm shadow on the left and a 3mm x 3mm shadow on the right. All or part of this shadow may the the result of the biopsy and not cancer at all.

Therefore, chances are (and I am learning that everything about this disease involves chances - I may take up residence at Foxwoods after all this) that the what we thought initially - cancer on the left, not any (or not much) on the right was correct.  Dr. L seems to think that this is just a dandy situation and he sounded positively chipper over the phone.

Next up?  A consultation with Dr. Zeitman of the proton beam at the Massachusetts General Hospital tomorrow where we talk about the constructive use of radiation.

MLTD - 7/13 - The Self and The Other

So, this thing that seems to be growing in me. Is it me or is it not me? And does this matter either way?

Whenever I make reference to the cancer as something to fight, all the healers that I know jump all over me and tell me that I'll never get through this if I have that attitude. They make the point that if I make the cancer into "the other" then I empower it and it grows. This is a valid point. But another valid point is that if I do not attend to the cancer then, sooner or later, it kills me.

Problem. When is attention too much attention? Is this me that I'm fighting against or something else?

So what attitude have I developed toward this collection of time-distorted cells? My martial arts training tells me that the best way to deal with a threat is harmonization and control. That doesn't necessarily mean that I have to sing Kumbaiya with the threat, but that I have to recognize its direction of thrust and pull it back to my center of control. I guess that this is what I have been trying to do intellectually while, as much as possible, acknowledging that I really don't know what's going on and I have limited control over the whole situation. It's best that I can do at the moment.

Buddhists might postulate that this is all a false issue. Who is having this cancer? What is the self that's having the problem? Now there's something to work on. The usual Big B Big picture. Who knows, I might come out of this with a series of cancer koans if I'm not careful.

MLTD - 7/12 - Today's Major Decision

Looks like I'm moving from briefs to boxers.  It just makes more sense given what's going on.

MLTD - 7/11 - MRI (Abridged)

So I went out to the Newton/Wellesley Hospital (again) and they stuck an antenna in my butt and then stuffed me in a tiny slot in this huge GE magnet and I tried to meditate while the thing buzzed and hummed and clanked around my head at impossibly high decibel levels for half an hour. Results come next Tuesday when we hopefully will then know if I have a tumor and, if so, where it is.

MLTD - 7/10 - Feedback

The original idea about putting all this medical stuff on the blog was to allow a whole mess of people to find out what was happening with me without me having to feel obligated (as I do) to answer each and every email that came in immediately because kind people were worried about me. Of course, this didn't stop people from emailing me - which is good, I like it when people email me, it's just that I'm just pretty busy right now and I don't really have the time to drop everything to write the same info to everyone over and over again. Therefore, I went with the broadcast option.

But the problem is that the system is working too well. I know that people are looking at the blog (I read the stats every day and at least a few people look in), but no one is making comments on what I'm writing (at least not using the comment feature on the blog). This makes me wonder about my writing - (Am I being clear? Is what I'm choosing to write about resonating with anyone but me? Am I still writing in English?) - and that's no good either. We writers are aways so insecure.

So, if you are so moved, please click on the word "comment" below any of the posts and let me know what you think about what I wrote. Be mindful that what you say will be available to anyone else who views the page (in all probability a select group of Fiascoites only), but don't worry about talking about stuff that concerns me. After all, I'm the guy who's putting his prostate cancer on the Internet - I'm not too worried about my personal privacy with these matters.

Thanks.