Notes from the Cafe Fiasco

Part-Time Pundit

Boston Globe Headlines - Friday, June 30, 2006

Justices Deal Bush Setback on Tribunals
Even the new Supreme Court of the Right can't countenance what we've been doing to people in Guantanamo. Though our Attorney General is of the opinion that the Geneva Convention is "quaint," it still seems to apply since we are still signatories. It could be that even the Supremes think that the "make the law up as we go along" approach that our President seems to have does not bode well for the functioning of an alleged democracy and, therefore, their job security. After all, you can't effectively rule on laws if everyone is just going to go around ignoring them.

At Women's Open, Weather Plays Through
In the Climate Change community, we have another sports-oriented saying: "Mother Nature Always Bats Last". Expect more headlines like: "Red Sox Season Called on Account of Typhoon."

Israelis Arrest Hamas Officials
So, when is the point when Hamas figures out that governing from a One Point platform of "Kill All Israelis" doesn't really work? And when do the Israeli's figure out that "sending a message" doesn't work if no one wants to hear it? Probably never.

Animals at the Gate
Just another example of us entertaining ourselves to ecological suicide - the traffic in exotic pets. Hey folks, let's shred ecosystems, so we can get something cute and fuzzy for the kids! If these people want something exotic, why don't they adopt a polar bear? We're melting their habitat and soon there's going to be a lot of 800 pound bears that need a place to live.

House Votes to Condemn Media Over Terror Story
Kill the messenger!! Kill the messenger!! They're getting us in trouble with our main supporters - the banks!! We can't afford to have them pissed at us!!

Reilly Presses for Vote on Gay Marriage Ban
He's for it. He's against it. He hopes that someone else will make the decision for him so he can then be comfortable with being both for and against it and, most importantly, the Cardinal will get off his back.

Marshall T. Spriggs - Part-Time Pundit

As many things do, it all started with Pat Buchanan. He was on the McLaughlin Group or Scarborough Country or some other tribute to half brain-dead political opinion that I had on the TV as background to an especially difficult Soduku puzzle and the question came to me, "How did this guy get this job?"

I mean, he's not pretty. He's not intelligent. At times, he's not even particularly coherent. But he has this job of representing the Troglodyte Right. He's the Go-To guy if you want to take the pulse of a certain segment of the American political landscape (the part that hasn't changed their worldview since we won the Big One - whatever Big One that was). "Not bad work if you can get it," I thought to myself as I tried to figure out how to put four number three's in the upper left box of the puzzle. "You don't really have to know anything. Hell, knowing stuff just gets in the way by complicating issues. I could do that."

And another distracted truth falls jewel-like out of my otherwise occupied mind. Yes, I could do that (the fact is, given Buchanan as a standard, just about anyone could do that) and there's no reason in the world why I shouldn't be given the opportunity to mouth off about stuff that I have minimal knowledge about as long as I have STRONG OPINIONS. Especially since these opinions don't have to backed up with anything like knowledge. I could do that and get paid handsomely for it just Pat. Ahh, but how to go about it? Well, let's see what you need.

STRONG OPINIONS - Check. Anyone who's read anything in this space over the past eleven years has probably noted that it's hard to shut me up around some things. The things I yell about change (some day they tell me that we will get rid of Mitt Romney, if only for him to become a scourge at a different level) but the level of sarcasm plans to remains the same. Got that.

REPRESENT A CONSTITUENCY (EVEN IF THEY DON'T KNOW IT) - Check. I've got a wide readership of more than 200 people whose mailboxes I clutter and then there's all of 3 people a day that show up to read the blog. What more do I need?

OPINIONS AT THE DROP OF A HAT - Check. This qualification trumps almost all of the others. Now, the opinions don't have to be reasoned or even make sense - they just have to appear to make sense as long as no one thinks too much about them (which the American populice has been conditioned not to do).

So as a test (this in only a test - if this had been a real alert, you would have been directed ...) I decided to just randomly reach into the Globe slushpile over there on the floor and come up with headlines about which I can have instant opinions. I dug in and came up with Friday's paper:

BOSTON GLOBE HEADLINES - June 26, 2006

Americans Out at World Cup
Is this a surprise? I fear that we will have to wait many years until we can reap the "fruit of the soccer moms" in terms of players that can compete on this level. In the meantime, it's great to have one sport where American women just beat the tar out of the men that's not figure skating. But then, they got a headstart when Title 9 happened in the 1970's and women were guaranteed scholarships for playing soccer that were the same as the jocks that were playing basketball and football. The men only have 30 years to catch up. It's going to take a while.

Menino Says No to State Police Use
Mitt Romney has a problem. As a Governor of what is considered a wimpy state by his main constituency these days (the nutcase Right - can we remember the image that Michael Dukakis gave the country of our Commonwealth from his vantage point of his tank) he has to prove that he can be tough on crime. But his military, the National Guard, is on loan to sandy climes to the Feds for the foreseeable future, so what's a non-wimpy Governor to do to show that he's tough? Well, he does have the State Police who obviously have nothing to do (since they aren't chasing down illegal aliens - yet). After all, it doesn't really matter that having a State Police presence in Dudley Square isn't going to do much to solve Tom Menino's problem, what's important is the appearance of being tough on crime.

National Panel Supports '98 Global Warming Evidence
The National Academy of Science was set up to give scientific advice to the Congress and the Executive in an era when both of these bodies were interested in what science has to say. In case you've noticed, this era has passed. And, it seems that no one has told the politicians that, unlike in political issues, just because you ignore science that doesn't mean that science goes away. Get it guys. The planet is warming up. You aren't going to like the results. Maybe we should try to explain it to these folks through a Noah's Flood analogy?

7 Held in Alleged Plot to Attack Sears Tower
Timing is everything in politics, so we can expect that there will be the uncovering of many plots by the Administration (baked, half-baked, and unbaked) over the course of the summer right up to the Congressional elections in the fall. These clowns have already proven that they are ready to do almost anything to win re-election so we shouldn't be surprised that they will come up with a few plots (real and imagined) between now and November. Just stay tuned - it's going to be Plot Summer.

Mayor Halts Construction on Boston's Streets
And this probably stops all construction in Boston for all time if he's going to wait for construction companies to fix the Boston streets.

It's Lonely Out There
How can it be that "Americans don't have as many close friends as they used to" when I have thousands of people in my MySpace network? All you have to do is to redefine "friendship" and you don't have any problem. And who are all those people who I see stumbling around in a cell phone revery talking to - other people from their gated community? I don't know, but it looks like we're just reaping all the benefits (sic) of a culture where personal commitment takes a back seat to personal consumption. As Stephen King once said of the 60's, "We had a chance to change the world and we settled for the Home Shopping Network." It's all part of being an "American." After all, what did President Bush urge us to do so that we could do our parts in defending the country right after September 11th? That's right - buy things.

So, not too bad for a first foray into "Pundit-dom." Some of it even makes sense. Now I just have to find some producer on a cable news channel and maybe I can have my own show. After all, Tucker Carlson (and his bowtie) is still out there somewhere. There's obviously lots of air time to fill.

Summer Solstice 2006

Norwegian Friends,

I wanted to take the opportunity to wish you well on the Summer Solstice. This is not a big holiday here in the United States since much of the country is considerably to the south of your latitude and the Ameican government is now run by folks who work for Jesus, but I did celebrate by getting Dad up to feed me at the first hit of light which is, here in Boston, 4:00am.

He gave me some fish and mumbled something about middle of the night and went back to bed. So much for the Solstice here.

We both hope that your lives are more eventful.

Much love. Hope that you are having a good summer.

Smudge Spriggs

This Just In - National not Official

Washington (Dissociated Press) - In a little noted provision of the 750 page immigration bill that was recently passed by the Senate, legislators have approved the idea of "White" being the "National" (though not Official) Race" of the United States. "The White Race is who got us where we are today," said Congressman Bung Q. Whole (R-TV). Speaking from his bunker-studio yesterday, Representative Whole continued, "Our sense of White Manifest Destiny and the idea that we're always right no matter how we screw up has sustained us for centuries of American Progress and has lead directly to our current success in Iraq." "It is true that there others who are not White who have been a part of the fabric of America, but we have either successfully either wiped them out or oppressed them so that the White Race has come out on top proving it's superiority." "Since we have run things for so long, we obviously have been selected by our Creator to continue to run things -- at least it's clear to us that we should be manipulating the laws of the country so that we can continue in this wholly traditional manner."

Senator Whole denied the charge that this issue was being moved the to the head of the legislative agenda because of the need to distract voters from the fact that the current Congressional leadership can't seem to get anything useful done. "This is a charge obviously made by Non-White people or 'Non-White Simps' as we call them, and is not true," said Whole." "Besides we don't need to beat up on "Non-Whites" this election cycle, there are enough Gays around to fulfill this function should be need them."

Representative Whole is the recent sponsor of the the "No Good Ole Boy Left Behind" Act which provides subsidies for the auto and oil industries through the government sponsored distribution of pick-up trucks. The program has recently been been cut back due to large federal budget deficits and questions about the claims amongst supporters that Jesus actually drove a pick-up.

This Just In - Canada

Ottawa (Dissociated Press) - Canadian authorities have announced plans to build a 3 meter high fence along the US-Canadian border in order to keep Americans from moving north of the border and becoming illegal immigrants in Canada. "Don't get us wrong," said Interior Sub-Minister Jack "Frenchie" LaCue, "We love Americans -- after all, they run our economy." "But the problem is that since many Americans have recently come north to obtain affordable prescription drugs, they may have realized that we have a workable social service part of our government and some want in." "This could potentially create a large problem for us since many of these people are baby boomers who realize that they have a better chance of actually retiring in Canada in the US since the American government keeps setting up Commissions on Social Security but not doing anything to fix the problems."

Another reason for the erection of the barrier is more cultural, explained LaCue. "Americans - except for recent immigrants - rarely speak more than one language," said LaCue. "We're a officially bilingual country and, quite frankly, we don't need any more culturally disabled Anglos sneaking over the border."